Financial influences from childhood that still haunt me to this day

Why did I save so much money as a kid?

For as long as I could remember, I had the natural inclination to save money.

As early as 6 years old, whatever coin I’d collect - be it between the couch cushions or Chinese New Year’s red envelopes - I would store that shit like a squirrel.

I’d put the money into this small cardboard box, leftover packaging from another item.

Then put that cardboard box into an old red backpack collecting dust underneath my desk.

My security protocol as a kid was: no one would care to look at this dusty backpack!

It didn’t occur to me at that age that I was “saving.”

Neither did it occur to me the relative amount that I was “saving” - was a lot, or was it a little?

I just did it, and didn’t think much of it…until this one moment with my sisters.

For some reason I can’t remember now, a discussion about money came up. Maybe it was a Scholastic Book Fair coming up, or maybe we were trying to pile our money together to buy my mom something.

So I retrieved the backpack from underneath my desk, and broke out the cardboard box.

Then I revealed all the money I had saved.

A huge stash of quarters and an even bigger stash of random pennies, nickels and dimes.

The dollar bills and even the special 2-dollar Susan B Anthony bills.

If I had to squeeze memory out of my brain rock, I had something close to $100.

My sisters were shocked that I, the youngest brother, had accumulated so much money.

“Why do you have so much money??”

I didn’t know what to say. I remember feeling defensive. Perhaps they suggested that maybe I stole the money or that our mom secretly gave me more. I don’t know.

Feeling their surprise and jealousy, I never showed them my money again.

Did these experiences shape my financial reality?

As I reflect on these childhood memories, my thoughts as an adult personal finance nerd carve down two paths:

1. Why did I save so much?

2. How does my past shape me as an adult today?

As for why I saved so much, I could only traverse the messy tunnel of spotty memories.

(Thank you therapy culture for having me wonder if I experienced trauma in some form that made my kid self feel like I needed to save. /s)

Fortunately, no “big T” trauma comes up, and I’m not going to search too hard for it.

But there were some formative events.

My mom moved us to the States when I was young. And I only started saving money after we landed here.

Maybe there was some fear of change that made me keep mine.

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Lucky for me, my basic necessities were provided for as a child.

I had no use for money, nothing to spend on.
Video games were the only things I wanted, and I’d just ask beg my mom to buy those for me anyway.
Whatever coin I did have, it wasn’t enough to buy a Playstation and the latest Final Fantasy.

Perhaps saving was a function of utility, or lack thereof as a kid.

But one thing’s for sure - my mother was definitely my biggest influence.

I don’t remember my mom telling me how much to save…

But I’m sure that she told my sisters and I that saving money was a good thing.

Mom is still a super saver to this day, so it’s likely her behavior passed down to me, whether passively or actively.

Aside:
If I can replicate what my mother did in transferring money values, I would definitely copy 80% of what she did with my kids someday.

She included us in adult conversations like her job and how much money she had or didn’t have. She’d share financial stories of some of her peers and coworkers who went broke. It never felt like a lecture, and I was always down for hearing her stories.

At the same time, I probably acquired some form of scarcity mindset from her, because money was always portrayed as protective, defensive mechanism.
Money wasn’t used for joyful experiences, which to her would often occur as frivolous spending.

Now that I think of it, it’s obvious. My mom has had 3 major influences:

1. She grew up poor but experienced the transition Taiwan made into becoming an “Asian Tiger,,” a period of rapid modernization. (When she was young, meat was served occasionally as a once-in-a-while treat.)

2. She’s from an cultural environment rooted in Daoist principles like frugality and conservatism

3. Her husband, my late father, passed away young—and without having the opportunity to leave her much.

I was too young to know my father when he passed, so the biggest financial trauma in my life was experienced secondhand. But I know that his passing dramatically shaped the way my mom looked at life, including her sense of security.

How could it not?

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Have a story of how your family dynamics have shaped your finances?
I’d love to hear it; leave a comment:

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Left with 3 kids, of course she felt an even bigger need to save money than the average 2-parent household.

• I remember my mom always being resourceful by finding food stamp programs and school lunch vouchers.

• I clipped coupons with her from the Sunday paper.

• We rarely took family vacations or went out to eat.

I never questioned why my mom saved so much. I think it was just always obvious to me that she was a single mom and we didn’t have the resources like other families.

How I act with money as an adult

I still have a natural savings mentality.

I save roughly half my paycheck. Especially now, that I’m worried about what might happen in the post-jobs AI apocalypse.

More than I’d like to admit, I compare prices between items that I know are negligible; organic vs normal fruit when shopping.

There are so many money beliefs & behaviors I’d like to rewire:

For example: I still find it hard to resist a good deal. I can’t help but look at the cheaper item in bulk when I don’t need that much, let alone the lack of refrigerator space (#firstworldproblems).

Letting go of my Costco membership was a part of my spiritual growth:
you don’t need to buy in bulk if you don’t need that much, dammit.

A more subtle mindset that I picked up from my mom is: defensive spending.

Because my mom couldn’t afford sudden, unexpected expenses, she actively protected against it.

She always asked what the price was if it was not stated upfront. Many times she’d say no when the price didn’t meet her expectations (even if in hindsight, the difference was negligible.)

There’s no fiercer negotiator than an Asian mother.

It’s no surprise that when it comes to most activities, my first impulse is to think of the cost.

Going out to eat. Buying something on Amazon. Planning for a trip.
Short circuit to: How much does that cost??

This automatic defense mechanism often places an invisible ceiling on my creative impulses before they have even have a chance to run.

I used to judge myself for this, when I first started exploring the psychology of money.

Why can’t I just be more carefree and enjoy my money more?

But now I just it as conditioning, as impulse.

My work now is to allow desire and excitement to take over the driver seat more.

Deep down I know I won’t wreck my finances if I went on that trip or splurged a little.

And so it’s with much gratitude that I look at my mom’s financial influence from a distance, as an adult.

I got the gifts of her frugality, which helped me save and build wealth.

And I also have the freedom to choose which behaviors support me, and to decide what I’ve overgrown and can set to rest.

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Writing that piece was financially healing for me.
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